Haywire

Wow... it's sure a mad mad world out there to work in. Way too crazy. I need to adapt but I don't think I am adapting quick enough as I'm still hurting...  Is it myself who had overestimate my capability and also underestimate the load. Communication is vital yet it's hard to reach out to others that deny the rights to work together. 

While I am complaining here there goes another brick down the pond. I wonder over the times if this is meant to be or it's just too much for me to work it out. I wonder and ponder on. Maybe I am incompetent at all cases. Wow, how sorrowful this feels.

Why am I always feel this way. Maybe it's the surrounding where I am not suppose to belong is playing a big part here.  Guess I just can't complain that much now.  Got to  head on this road with courage and the willingness to overcome my fears and problems. Hopefully in time, I could be competent enough to withhold my head up high. 

On a happier note... there is no happier note now. 

The lost joy

I was pretty amazed by what my friends had in store as a day out for swimming. I had not been treating myself pleasantly lately or for a long time. I was living in a life of denial of joy without realising it. It sure did me a good or should I say great favour in return after the swimming. I realize that life ain't just about studies and assignments after all. I really should have let go of myself sometimes in order to really enjoy life. As one of my friend said, "Those that say enjoy life as you are still young" is for those that had regreted their past. I would not like to go through that if I could. Being in this stage of life, I am at a cross-road which will determine my life ahead.

A decision that could shape or break me. I wish I could find someone to have a peace of my mind. Sadly, I don't have anyone to talk to. No parents, siblings, relatives, friends, or anyone that I could really talk to. I really envy those people that had those close-knitted friends where each of them knows everything about the other vice-versa. I long for that kind of friendship or relationship. I just couldn't find it or maybe it's my own fault as well. I might have the tendency to repel anyone that got too close or anyone into my cold creepy world.

Maybe I'm just being too overly concerned about how everyone thinks of me that I shut out people from knowing who I really am or what I am. OR maybe I was too lost in my own identity that I could not even tell others who or what I am since I had totally no idea what it is.

All these questions does play in my mind for too long and it clouded my sight. I might not have found what I had been looking for but that does not and should not have hindered me from getting a pleasure to enjoy my life. Sometimes I do hate myself for being too overly conscious about the whole idea. I mean I had tonnes of questions and tonnes of "what if"s in my mind. This might have clogged my judgemental ability as well.

Going to my final trimester (as my University called it now), I found a feeling like Fear playing in my mind as well. I was having doubts about everything and I also have totally lost my way sometime when I think of the future. I got so directionless as what AM I doing here? NOw? LAter? I'm totally a mess and really could get some help.

I was also got a shocker as people started telling me that I'm getting bigger. I know of that as well. I did not know that my appearance also had change so much that people started noticing. I'm feeling a little insecure and angry at myself for not staying in control and I just wish I could make this feeling go away. I guess it is here to stay and I will have to deal with it whether I like it or not. I really wish I could get in shape once again.

Conclusion:

My life is in a state of messiness and I really should sort things out before I really do anything serious. I should loosen up my uptightness and learn to let go. I need to spread my wings of joy and enjoy the moment before I start regreting.

Happy Chinese NIU Year!!!

Yes it's the year of the OX ~ I'm getting old... Well that's the fact and I know no one will want to admit that because it's a sad case.

I have not been getting into the blogging here because I'm quite tied up with stuffs. I will blog about the stuff I did during my holiday soon. Plus, the Chinese Niu Year's gathering stuffs and I'll even talk more on the latest production going on in my studies in the next blog.

I just wanted to make a shout out here because I'm feeling a little scare... well make it a lot of horrifying images flying on my head and I think I will explode soon. Therefore I want confide in this blog.

Being appointed to be the LEaD in the final semester's biggest challenge is so far my biggest fear of all. I had never lead that much of people before let alone myself. I'm now just hoping I could breakthrough my own fear and carry out my duty as professionally as it could be.

I'm also honoured at the same time as the whole group push the decision onto me. (or is it the opposite > no one wants to bear the burden on their shoulders so, they sling it onto me)

Well, whatever the reasons it might be, I will not let myself or anyone else down. NOw I'm running against the odds and time to make something out of thin air into some good planning and somewhat special program.

Love~Peace~Harmony