The lost joy

I was pretty amazed by what my friends had in store as a day out for swimming. I had not been treating myself pleasantly lately or for a long time. I was living in a life of denial of joy without realising it. It sure did me a good or should I say great favour in return after the swimming. I realize that life ain't just about studies and assignments after all. I really should have let go of myself sometimes in order to really enjoy life. As one of my friend said, "Those that say enjoy life as you are still young" is for those that had regreted their past. I would not like to go through that if I could. Being in this stage of life, I am at a cross-road which will determine my life ahead.

A decision that could shape or break me. I wish I could find someone to have a peace of my mind. Sadly, I don't have anyone to talk to. No parents, siblings, relatives, friends, or anyone that I could really talk to. I really envy those people that had those close-knitted friends where each of them knows everything about the other vice-versa. I long for that kind of friendship or relationship. I just couldn't find it or maybe it's my own fault as well. I might have the tendency to repel anyone that got too close or anyone into my cold creepy world.

Maybe I'm just being too overly concerned about how everyone thinks of me that I shut out people from knowing who I really am or what I am. OR maybe I was too lost in my own identity that I could not even tell others who or what I am since I had totally no idea what it is.

All these questions does play in my mind for too long and it clouded my sight. I might not have found what I had been looking for but that does not and should not have hindered me from getting a pleasure to enjoy my life. Sometimes I do hate myself for being too overly conscious about the whole idea. I mean I had tonnes of questions and tonnes of "what if"s in my mind. This might have clogged my judgemental ability as well.

Going to my final trimester (as my University called it now), I found a feeling like Fear playing in my mind as well. I was having doubts about everything and I also have totally lost my way sometime when I think of the future. I got so directionless as what AM I doing here? NOw? LAter? I'm totally a mess and really could get some help.

I was also got a shocker as people started telling me that I'm getting bigger. I know of that as well. I did not know that my appearance also had change so much that people started noticing. I'm feeling a little insecure and angry at myself for not staying in control and I just wish I could make this feeling go away. I guess it is here to stay and I will have to deal with it whether I like it or not. I really wish I could get in shape once again.

Conclusion:

My life is in a state of messiness and I really should sort things out before I really do anything serious. I should loosen up my uptightness and learn to let go. I need to spread my wings of joy and enjoy the moment before I start regreting.